Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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