remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
