Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
