He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
