if i can run in heels then i can drive
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
