The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
