Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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