my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
