Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
