Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
