Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
