i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
