my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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