It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
