totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
