If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
