I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
