I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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