I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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