I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
