Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
