Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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