im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize