Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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