I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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