cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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