You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just google imaged poop.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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