if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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