i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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