you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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