note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
