If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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