I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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