I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
