Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
