She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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