On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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