i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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