Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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