Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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