He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
