I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
