I think my fart just growled at me.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
