I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
