so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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