I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize