I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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