I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
