I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize