I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
