if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
