I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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