I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize