Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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