Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
