he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
