I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
