I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
