how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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