Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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