got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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