It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
